her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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