Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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