y did u give ur computer a hand job?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
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