he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
