just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
