she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just blew my weed a kiss
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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