my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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