Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
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