I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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