he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
