I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You ruined the universe
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
