We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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