fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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