You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
