Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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