conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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