Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
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You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize