Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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