I am midnight drunk by noon
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
