is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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