I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
