Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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