I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
