the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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