Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
