apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
