I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
