plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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