i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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