literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
