Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
