I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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