You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
