Can Purell be used as lube?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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