good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
