Plan B is the new Plan A
wakey wakey hands off snakey
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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