Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
