dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
