i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
