I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize