glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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