hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
