drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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