3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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