i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
