I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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