it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
