Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
