Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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