my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
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Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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