"it" just moved
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
