Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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