I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize