I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
