i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
