hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
