what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
